I know you will never read this and it's for the best. But i have to get it off my chest.
Today I've been thinking why I'm avoiding you. I don't want you to know how i feel, how i suffer right now. It's because I'm angry!
You created me, you made me like this. You made soo many mistakes when you raised me and I can't forgive you. You always treated me like an adult. But I was a child! And I never had a real childhood. You made Me look after you. You made me take all the responsibilities. I was just a little girl and you made me take care of you. But you schould've been there for Me! I was the kid.
No one really knows what you made me go trough because i still can't even think about it without crying. And you know i don't like to cry when other people are around. And you know what? That's also your fault: I always had to be strong for you. Only a few people know what you did to me. And even the closest friend, that one sister who helped you raise me, even she doesn't know all of it. She is still surprised by the stories i can tell her.
I never learned how to rely on other people. I always had to do it my on my own. And today i still feel bad about asking for help because it always feels like i'm a total failure.
I'm kind of ashamed to feel so depressed cause it means repeating your faults. I tend to hide away when i feel so bad. I know it has to change but i'm not strong enough to do anything about it.
I don't think you know what you did wrong. Otherwise you wouldn't repeat the same mistakes with my sister. You've been so angry at her because she acted like a normal teenager. Something you never experienced with me. I let you do all these things to me and I still wonder why. So many times I just wanted to run away. But i was to afraid to really do it.
I think you're mad somehow at me, because I didn't make my sister come back to you. I wouldn't do that. I'm proud of her. And jealous. She could just walk away and go to her mom. I never had that kind of opportunity. Don't get me wrong. I don't like the idea of her living with her mom now. Although i don't really know what to think of her right know. And I'm a little worried about my little (step)sister. Especially about her spiritual health.
But I'm glad she could get away from you. When I was with you after my accident I realized how you've changed. And not for the better. You and your husband started to create your own little world. Only for you two, because no one else is good enough. You're lying to yourself but i don't think you even realize it.
After talking to you and my sister to find common ground I was puzzled how your views differed. Then i saw those situations myself. But when i talked to you i realized how twisted your view was sometimes. And now i'm starting to wonder what of all those stories you told really happened that way.
I'm not sure what to believe anymore. And at the moment I cannot handle it. I'm too busy handling my own life. Struggling with my own problems. I cannot care for you anymore.
But it's ok. You're not alone. You got your husband. And together you can live in your peaceful little world together. I'm worried about you loosing reality. But i cannot handle it right now.
You're gonna have to wait until i finally figured out my own life.
Sorry.
Yve
0 comments:
Post a Comment