Why does family always have to be so much drama? Sometimes I think I would be better off without them...
My mom was always hard to deal with, because of her mental illness, but in the last years it's getting much worse. And I really can't handle any of it anymore and I don't have to.
I know what you might think: how rude and respect-less to abandon her mother because of mental illness. But you don't know her!!
She always depended on me. I had to care for her even as a child. I had to do the grocery shopping, I had to takes responsibilities, I had to cook at the weekends when i was only 7 because my mom wouldn't even leave the bed. I did everything she told me. I was very obedient because she's my mom, the only family I ever had.
I was never allowed to go anywhere not even to the meetings, because she didn't like to be alone. And I stayed. I never went out with (the very few ) friends i had. And even when I did i came home as soon as she called even if it meant leaving early.
I did that all and she still told me how useless and stupid and selfish I was. Just because.. i don't know, maybe because she felt like it,..or because i didn't do the chores the way i would have liked it to be done, or when i decided to do the chores when i have the time to do it..
Sometimes I just wanted to run away. After all my mom didn't even leave the house so she wouldn't have followed me. But I was just to afraid. I had nowhere to run to. My only friend that time lived just across the street. And I didn't want to sleep on the street...
Instead i just fled into my own imagination. Dreamed of a time when i will have my own life, far away from all of this. I planned to move out as soon as possible, imagined how my apartment would look like...
Then almost 5 years ago, something happened... It was good and bad at the same time.
It was good, because my mom got married and moved away. Far away.. about 600km! I could finally start to have a life and go out when i wanted to.
But it was also bad, because the reason she moved away was not only that she got married but she also got disfellowshipped. And the brother she married got disfellowshipped too. My mom got herself into a lot of chaos, he didn't even had his divorce by then. Her life is really complicated ever since... I tried my best to stay out of all that chaos, but it's not easy...
My mom and her husband still love Jehovah and they read the bible and study as much as they can. And in the last years I really thought that would be enough, but I also wondered why they never really tried to come back to the congregation.
Then, last year, after my accident I had to stay with them for some months.. and i didn't like what i saw. Not only that they had a big fight with my (step)sister. It was little things.. how they talked about some brothers, even elders, what they thought of the changes the organisation made to the watchtower...things like that.
Because of them still being disfellowshipped they don't have contact to any brothers. And they don't want to have friends in the world. So they live kind of isolated from the rest of the world and i think they created their own reality where they are good and everyone else is wrong.. I think they need to take some time to think about their situation... They really think they still serve Jehovah in the right way. But don't think so anymore.
Before the accident my mom and i used to chat a lot. But ever since i came back home this summer, I barely spoke to her. I haven't told her why just yet, and she's always emailing me, asking why I don't talk to her. So i decided i need to write my mom a letter. I'm gonna be completely honest and tell her everything that bothers me. And I'm gonna tell her that I'm gonna reduce the contact to her to a minimum, because i really think she need to change her way of life and finally come back to Jehovah's organisation. And I don't think it's helping her when i talk to her, because i think it makes her feel like she is still on the right path.
I know that letter is going to hurt her, but i think it's for the best. I hope she is gonna think about it and makes some changes. She need to swallow her pride and talk to the elders about coming back to the congregation.
It's a really hard decision for me, but it's for the best. For her and for me.
2 comments:
Have you been able to write that letter to her and how did she take it? Hope she didn't hurt you even more...
I agree with telling her how you feel etc. I did that too many years ago. It was hard and painful, but it changed my life in a major positive way. It led to a breakup with my mother & sister, but it had to be like that in my case and my life & head is much better now. For my husband, children and me it has been a blessing that she's out of our lives.
Hugs xxx
Yes. I did write that letter although it wasn't easy.
Unfortunately my mom found this very blog entry 2 days before i could send her the email!! I was really affraid that she would be too angry to even read what i wrote.
But obviously she did read it as she answered me a day later. Her reaction though still puzzles me a bit. It was not her normal kind of reaction, not even written in her words (my sister agrees with me on that). She was almost grateful for my letter although there were some parts in it that should really hurt her.
I don't know how carefully she read it and if she really thought about it, but her answer made clear that she didn't really understood some parts of it. She didn't get the meaning or she just doesn't agree with it.
Sadly though it was those key points, why i need to stop having contact to her, what she didn't understand.
Maybe some day i will try again to explain them better so she understands. But i can't do that at the moment.
I just needed a clean break.
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